Breaking Headlinez! Silly News Stories

local man thinks he has a hyena in backyard - calls DNR

2009-01-09T14:34:00.003-05:00

Mark, a local resident, called the Department of Natural Resources yesterday and reported that he heard a hyena in his backyard. "After I called, I looked out the window of my backdoor, and I could still hear what sounded like a wild hyena right near the side of the house, but I couldnt see anything. Then, I stepped right outside my door a little, and saw it standing up against the fence wih it's wild frizzy brown mane sticking up over the rose bush. I was petrified, I froze right there on my backdoor steps, and all I could hear was 'AAAACCKKKHHAHAHA ACCKKKHAHAHA' over and over again. So I called the Department of Natural Resources, hoping they could catch it and take it off of my property, and when they got here, I stuck my head out the front door and pointed them to the side of the house, and said 'it's still over there'. So they went over there and came back and knocked on my door and said 'sir, it's just your wife talking to the neighbor'. I said 'are you serious?? what the hell could she be cackling that much about?', and the man said 'not sure sir..but it had something to do with you walking around scratching your butt, that's all I know."

One giant leap for womankind

2008-12-25T20:48:00.008-05:00

Mary Willington, an area resident, knocked over several jewelry displays in the local JCpenney store during the after christmas sale. Mary was walking leisurely down the aisle with her cart full of sale items when she spotted the very last of a beautiful pair of white pearl earrings on display at the end of the aisle. After spotting the pearl earrings, she abandoned her cart and suddenly raced down the aisle like a marathon runner, and before she got to her desired display, she tripped over the boxed jewelry display table with a giant leap, catching her desired pearl earrings off of the next table during her flight, and during her landing she bumped into a series of round, rotating necklace display racks in front of her, knocking them over like dominoes. During her fall, her purse also went flying into the air, knocking over the whole luggage display that was situated near the jewelry tables. "Wow, I couldn't believe what was happening, it sounded like the whole store was coming down when I heard it", said Steve Harris, assistant store manager. Another customer who witnessed the event, said she couldnt believe Mary spotted the earrings from her original location, noting also that she must have had bionic eyes in order to spot them that far away. Nearby customers were afraid for their lives, for fear that they would get hit by the giant luggage display that came tumbling down after it was hit by her purse. Mary did pay over $800 for all damages that resulted from the accident that she caused and was not hurt in the accident.

Tips to avoid reckless christmas shoppers

2008-12-11T21:45:00.003-05:00

We've all encountered overly eager and panicked Christmas shoppers during this time of year. You know....the ones who practically run you over with their cart trying to get to the wrapping paper display, or the ones who cut in front of you in the checkout lane. Well, don't get run over this christmas, here's a list of tips to avoid these mad christmas shoppers:

Do your shopping early in the morning, or late at night.

Be persistent...when you see them coming at you like a mad bull, stay right where you are. Don't let them push you out of the way. If you stand there, they have to stop.

Beat them to the punch. If they are practically running with their cart to get the very last pair of socks on the shelf, run with your cart to beat them to it. Take a shortcut to it, if possible.

If they cut in front of you in the checkout line, then tell them the next lane has less people in it, even if it has no cashier. This will win you your place in line back.

If someone beats you to the last tie on the shelf, look at it and say something like 'uhh, I just saw a kid drool on that a minute ago'

If you see them coming at you like a race horse, and you have no other choices, then run them over if you have to.

Show those insane christmas shoppers that you don't get run over this year, or any other year!

Have a happy and safe holiday!

Local resident thinks everyone in his neighborhood is infatuated with him

2008-08-03T01:06:00.004-04:00

Local Tallton County resident, Randy Stratton, claims that everyone on his street has a crush on him. Randy says that whenever he is outside or pulls up into his drive-way, his next-door neighbors always look out their windows. "....Yeah, and you know, when I drive my dump-truck home from work some evenings, I see them lustfully peering out their windows at me. I know when I'm out there watering the lawn, the older lady across the street comes out in her nightgown, and slippers, with rollers in her hair and always waves at me. I guess that's her way of trying to be sexy, I don't know. My other neighbor must be gay or something, because he's a man, and whenever I come out of my garage with my tools to do work on the outside of the house, he's always smiling and waving at me, and sometimes even tries to say hello to me. They're not foolin' anybody, especially not me...", said Randy. Randy says he's starting to feel uncomfortable living in his neighborhood, with all of the neighbors lusting after him, and is thinking about moving to another street. "It's the only thing I can do, I guess. Pretty soon, I'll have the whole block after me", added Randy.

Breaking News: Frank G. farted around today!

2008-07-24T17:51:00.003-04:00

Breaking Headlinez reporters did an exclusive interview with Frank Goodman, the man who just farted around today.

Reporter: Hello Frank!
Frank: Hi!
Reporter: Are you through farting around?
Frank: Well umm....yeah..for now.
Reporter: Tell us a little about how you spent your day farting around.
Frank: Well, first I got up and farted by the bedroom door, and it sounded like someone shuffling and flipping a deck of cards. Then I let out a loud, bellowing fart by the coffee maker. After eating breakfast, I went down to the bank and snuck one out in front of the teller (I dont think she even noticed, hehe). I also let a silent but deadly one out in the sporting goods section of Kmart. Then I came home and toot-tooted with every step of my "sweatin' to the oldies" exercise routine. Then I blasted a few while watching "The Price is Right" and a couple of soap operas. I ripped a couple of stinkers by the potatoes when I went grocery shopping. Then I came home and let a real juicy one by the washing machine while doing laundry. I didnt fart again until I got into bed and let out a real loud 'flapper' under the covers.
Reporter: Wow, sounds like you had a real blast today!
Frank: Yeah!
Reporter: What did you eat to make you fart so much?
Frank: Well, the night before I had a couple of bowls of bean soup. That might have done it.
Reporter: Are you going to spend tomorrow farting around too?
Frank: I might, yes.
Reporter: How often do you do this kind of farting around?
Frank: Well, whenever I need to really. I just feel one coming on, and well..."it" happens...

Local man doesn't remember his name

2008-07-20T14:14:00.003-04:00

A local county resident does not remember his name. He claims it is because his relatives were always calling him by different names by accident, and since they still do this, he can not remember his first name. "I've been called jack, jim, james, john, jimmy, and a whole host of other names, for as long as I can remember. No one can seem to remember my name when they call me out, not even my mother or father, so I have no idea what my real first name is. I've also mislocated my birth certificate, which adds to this problem.", said the nameless, local man. "I guess one day, I'll find out, or someone will remember...", he added.

Area woman hollars across town

2008-06-08T11:20:00.004-04:00

Area resident, Tiffany, went out with her friends to a club on saturday night. She told her brother that she would stay with her friend that night, and her brother, Tony, told her to "hollar at him" when she got back to her friends house, so that he would know she got back safely. "When my friend, Yvonne, and I got back I said 'hold on for a second, Tony told me to hollar at him when we got back' and I opened the window and hollared out 'YO TONY! I'M BACK AT YVONNE'S PLACE, TALK TO YA LATER'. I was wondering why he said to hollar at him, when he was going to be six blocks away, and when I got back, I asked him did he hear me and he said no and told me that he meant for me to call him on the phone." said Tiffany. "well....sorry if I woke anybody in the neighborhood up.", added Tiffany.

Stylish county resident claims he is too sexy for everything

2008-06-08T11:11:00.006-04:00

Stylish county resident, Fred, claims he's too sexy for everything. "I'm just too sexy for this world. I'm too sexy for this apartment, I'm too sexy for my truck, I'm too sexy to go out on the sidewalk, I'm too sexy for the grocery store, I'm too sexy for my job, I'm even too sexy for the post office! I just dont know what to do in this type of emergency, I have to be somewhere, I have to eat and work.", exclaimed Fred. Fred says he is open to suggestions from other stylish county residents, even though he is too sexy for them too. Anyone with suggestions as to how Fred can solve this problem can contact the local stylish county police department.

Local man haunted by ghost of cow

2008-05-25T20:33:00.006-04:00

A local man says he is haunted by the ghost of a cow. Ned O'Neil says he has even seen the cow ghost with his very own eyes. "Well, I know I've been eating alot of beef lately, but this is ridiculous. I mean, what kind of beef have I been eating here...", said Ned. Ned says he hears a cowbell at the dinner table when he eats beef, and hears a ghostly 'mooooooo' sound at night that keeps him awake whenever he's been eating beef. "I tried cutting out all beef for a week and the hauntings stopped, but when I went back to eating beef, this cow came back even worse. The night I started eating beef for dinner again, I sat down at the table with my plate of roast beef and mashed potatoes and I felt something breathing on my neck and I turned around and there it was! It was a great big, full-fledged apparition of a cow, and it went "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" with a loud, bellowing sound. The cow was ghostly white and was larger than life, I was horrified. I jumped up and shouted "HOLY COW!", I couldnt believe my eyes! It was giving me a look like I'd never seen before, a look that told me it was out for revenge, it was snarling at me!" Ned said that the night after that incident, he felt something bite his arm while he was eating a cheeseburger and he jumped around and exclaimed "ow now brown cow!" Breaking Headlinez reporters asked Ned if he'd thought of a solution and he replied "I'm thinking of becoming a vegetarian."

Everyone should get out of local man's way immediately

2008-03-03T22:02:00.004-05:00

Charles Buxter says that everyone should get out of his way immediately, no matter where he is because he is such an important person. "Are you kidding me? I'm the most important person in town, get out of my way, please.", said Charles, impatiently. We managed to catch Charles before he bustled off, and asked him in what ways people should get out of his way. "Well, when I am behind someone at a red light, I don't care what the situation is, they need to get out of the way, even if it means they have to get hit by another car, just get out of the way or I will start honking continuously until they do, and if that doesn't work then I will run them over. When I go to a checkout line at the grocery store, or any store, then they need to step away so that I can check out, because if not, then I will barge up there and push them out, which I have done before. My hot dog stand business is just so important, that no one needs to be holding me up, this is official business that I do, and it takes up quite a bit of my time. I never wait for someone to call me back, they'd better give me my answer immediately, and when I call someone they'd better answer it within the second ring, or they will hear about it later.", Charles replied sternly. Breaking Headlinez is informing everyone in town to get out of Charles' way, immediately.

area man addicted to eating

2008-03-01T18:16:00.003-05:00

Mike, a local, 42 year old resident, is addicted to eating. "Did you bring any snickers bars with you?", Mike asked us as we started our interview with him. "I've got to have food all the time. I even eat myself to sleep sometimes, I keep Doritos next to my bed and just snack out until I go to sleep. I eat five full meals a day. I eat while driving too, I always keep some kind of snack in the car, so I can pig out while I am going to the store for more food, or when I go anywhere, for that matter. I definitely eat while watching TV, constantly. When I go places, I carry a small backpack full of food and snacks to eat. I even snack on various foods like gummy bears, twinkies, or cheese 'n crackers while I take a bath. I'll eat just about anything, really. All this eating takes alot of planning out too, I wake up at 3 a.m and pop some sausage, egg and cheese biscuits in the microwave and eat that, then I go back to bed and wake up at 7 a.m and eat a ham and cheese omelet, with bacon and two slices of toast. Then my third meal would be lunch around noon, which can consist of various things, depending on my mood, then when I get home at 4 p.m, I usually make myself a sandwich and have some potato chips. Then I have dinner around 7 p.m., plus I snack constantly in between.", said Mike as he was spooning Spaghetti O's out of a microwaveable container while talking to us. We asked Mike how much he spends on groceries per week, and he replied "ahh, about $175, just for myself, sometimes more, and none of it goes to waste." We asked Mike what his favorite food was, and he replied "There's a few...pizza, fried chicken, subs." Mike said he does not plan on doing anything about his addiction because he enjoys eating too much, when we asked him if he has ever considered therapy.

Laziest man on earth found

2008-03-01T17:28:00.005-05:00

Bill Gibbs has been labeled as 'the laziest man on earth' by his friends and family. "He's just so lazy, he won't do anything. The only thing he seems to have enough energy to do is to go to the bathroom, sometimes. He keeps everything right next to the couch, so that he can sit on his butt and hardly have to get up for anything.", said his sister Charlene. "ohhhh, I'm just so tired...", said Bill, exhaustively. "...just got done going out to get the mail...uunnhh, unnhh, whew! Out of breathe now. ...have to walk all the way across the front yard. whew....I'm gonna have to move that mailbox closer to the house, that's all there is to it. I just can't deal with all this walking.", said Bill. When we asked Bill what his occupation was, he replied "...worked at a pickle plant, but I got a doctor's note for like...the rest of my life. So I don't work now. Doctor said it might be too much stress on me anyway. ...too damned tired for that.", said Bill. We noted that Bill's front yard looked like it hadn't been mowed at all this year, so we asked him who cuts his front yard and he replied "I'll get to it....one of these months..I might even wait until next summer...the hell with it". We asked Bill how he cooks, and he told us that he keeps a small refrigerator next to the couch, and a microwave also, so that he can just heat things up while he sits on the couch in front of the TV. "..and that grocery shopping is a damned workout, let me tell ya...", Bill exclaimed. When we asked Bill about how he does his laundry, he started grunting. "unnnhhh! unnhh! ohhh, you gotta stop asking so many questions...I'm getting tired..", he announced, as he was getting irritated and exhausted....

Woman farts in doctors face, doctor recovering

2008-02-29T02:12:00.003-05:00

Violet had an appointment with Dr. Harris today and accidentally farted in his face. Dr. Harris is now recovering from the asphyxiation. He was treating her for spurs on her foot by giving her a cortisone shot, when suddenly Violet let out a loud fart, which she had been holding in for quite some time. "I had been holding and squeezing it in ever since I entered the building, even during my time in the waiting room. When he stuck that needle in my foot, it just pushed itself right out, I couldn't hold it any longer. I was so embarrassed.", said Violet, embarrassingly. "Whewww! boy did it stink! It made me dizzy too. I had to hold my nose to keep from passing out, and then go into another room to catch my breathe. I don't know what she ate before she came to my office, but I wonder if I should be checking her out for some kind of stomach problem...", Dr. Harris said, still astonished by the incident, "I'm still recovering from it, I still get a little lightheaded from time to time, but I'm getting better now", added Dr. Harris. When we asked Dr. Harris to describe the smell, he replied saying that it smelled very strongly of hard-boiled eggs.

Local citizens protest temporary taco bell shut down

2008-02-26T23:19:00.010-05:00

The local Taco Bell was shut down temporarily in downtown Wesstown today. The restaurant will be closed for renovations for approximately 2 weeks, and the locals are quite upset about it. "we want our taco bell back!", said one local Wesstown woman who wished to remain anonymous. The anonymous woman was standing on the sidewalk in front of the Taco Bell restaurant with a painted sign that read 'We want our Tacos!', she was waving at all of the passersby on the street and chanting 'we want our Taco Bell!', along with about 10 other local citizens who were also chanting and standing with their own signs. The chanting can be heard down the street from the Taco Bell also, and a band of teenagers can be heard screaming and yelling in protest from the drive-thru section. Another local woman named Krissy was quite upset and told us "I just don't know what I'm going to do now..I usually go there for lunch, but there's nothing that compares to Taco Bell. 2 weeks is such a long time, and I've been marking off the date on my calendar. I've been bringing those cheap burritos that I found at the supermarket, but they just don't compare to Taco Bell. I've been getting by however I can. My mother and sister are both so upset about this, they call me everyday complaining and I have to calm them down. *sigh* what am I going to do for the next two weeks?" Another local man told us "this is just the pits, I'm ticked off about it, and my wife makes the nastiest tacos I've ever tasted. I just can't wait for them to open back up. I'm ready to kidnap the Taco Bell manager and bring him home with me so he can make me some good food." The restaurant manager apologizes for the inconvenience, and hopes that they can re-open before 2 weeks.

Beach bum goes berserk over flip-flops

2008-02-24T21:34:00.004-05:00

Bill, a local man who owns a shop on the boardwalk, was furious when he found his whole flip flop rack, which was situated outside his shop door, overturned and dumped all over the sidewalk. "That dang, beach bum, Dan....he just went off his nut. I don't know what the hell got into him. I just went out and saw it overturned and all the flip-flops on that rack were just dumped all over the danged place. He went off in a fit of rage. He went nuts, and I made him pick them all up and put them back on the rack too. ", said furious Bill, standing with his hands on his hips. "I just got tired of hearing that damned flip-flopping sound of flip-flops all damned day!", said Dan. "I'm always trying to sleep, when all these ditzy women are walking by and all I can hear is 'flap, flap, flap' and the sound of chomping gum all the time, and if you think that's bad, wait until a man walks by with a pair on, it sounds like a 350-lb moose trying to walk with a pair of them on 'boom-bam-boom-bam-boom-bam'. They just can't pick their damned feet up when they're walking in them things...A man's gotta get some sleep, goddamnit!", added Dan. "If he's that bothered by the sounds of flip-flops then he needs to go someplace else and bum-out and stay the hell away from my shop.", announced Bill.

Local police officer watches for speedy yard sale go-ers on saturdays

2008-02-24T21:07:00.006-05:00

"I'm pissed! I didn't get that china pig on Walton Avenue for 25 cents that Melissa was selling, because of that cop that has nothing else better to do at 8am except pull over innocent yard salers like me. Lola, that nosey neighbor of mine got it, instead. I hate her, she's always making sure she gets everything before I do, and she's always got her hands in my vegetable garden, that cow! I wish she'd just nose out!", exclaimed Nina, a local 56 year old woman, who was on a yard sale spree with her sister, Olivia, Saturday morning. Officer Benson said he pulled Nina over because she was doing 50 mph in a 25 mph zone, and he noted that she was also driving somewhat carelessly. "She was all over the road, swerving and all, if I didn't know better, I would have thought she was drinking or something. I had to pull her over before she caused an accident. It was like she took too much of her medication this morning. I don't know what got into her, she's normally a very safe driver. I don't care about a china pig, it's more important to keep the roads safe.", said Officer Benson. Officer Benson said that he's going to have to start keeping an eye out on Saturday mornings for speedy, ambitious yard salers, and he also added that no matter how many 25 cent china pigs there are at these yard sales, it is still important to drive carefully.

News Briefs:

2008-02-21T21:09:00.005-05:00

Breaking News Briefs:

Friday the 13th, number 50, limited edition, to be released.
Somebody somewhere has finally decided who is the best Elvis impersonator.
Everyone at local country bar found to be crying after hearing sad country song on jukebox.
Search engines find that the most searched terms on the internet are celebrity names.
Clinton and Obama argue over who got to the water fountain first.

Man always repeats comments 5 times to wife....

2008-02-20T23:40:00.004-05:00

Harry Langton, a local 46 year old man, has learned to repeat his comments to his wife five times in a row to her so that she'll remember what he's said. Harry explains: "She's always asking me the same question over and over again, even after I've explained whatever it was to her once already. She just asks the same question, in a different way...like one time, she fell asleep while we were on a trip to a nearby town about 45 miles from here, to visit friends, and when she woke up, she asked me where we were. I told her that I was on the main highway, but there was an accident there that was holding things up, so I took a detour. Five minutes later, she's saying something like 'I dont understand why you didnt just stay on the main highway', either that or I will tell her something and since she's not listening or gets distracted by the kids, I have to repeat it several times before she acknowledges it. So now I just repeat the important parts to her five times consecutively to begin with....for instance, if I am going to mow the lawn, I just say 'I'm going to mow the lawn. I'm going to mow the lawn. I'm going to mow the lawn. I'm going to mow the lawn. I'm going to mow the lawn.', that way she always remembers it. It's quite annoying to have to constantly repeat myself". Harry's wife told us that he sounds stupid when he does that, but the method does work for some mysterious reason. "I just wish he wouldnt do it so much when we are out in public together, because people look at him like he's crazy, it's so embarrassing...sheesh", Harry's wife added.

Redneck takes sweetheart to the tractor pull for anniversary

2008-02-15T12:28:00.003-05:00

Local redneck, Bill Balley, took his wife of ten years to the tractor pull for their anniversary. "This one was special (ten years), so I decided to take her out.", said Bill. We talked to Sally about how she felt about this special event, and she explained it to us. "well, usually on our anniversary, we just stay home while I fix us a homemade fried chicken dinner. After dinner I usually wash dishes and clean up the flour, grease, and fried chicken crispies off of the counter and table, while he sits in his dirty socks and old, beer-stained tank top watching football. When he told me he was takin' me out to the tractor pull, I was so excited.", said Sally. When asked how well she enjoyed the tractor pull event, she replied "oh, it was so exciting, all that mud and machinery...it was so romantic." Bill said he hopes to start taking her to the tractor pull events every year from now on, as a reminder of their tenth anniversary.

US officials to try to shoot down big thing

2008-02-14T23:19:00.007-05:00

In a follow up to Big Thing To Hit Earth, US officials have decided to try to shoot down the 'big thing'. US officials have determined that the big thing is a spy satellite, and are concocting methods of destroying it before it hits earth. We stood out in a undisclosed location in Maryland with the president and vice president, where President Bush exclaimed "stand back! I'm gonna try to break her up with my six-shooter!". Bush bent at the knees, and wrapped both hands around the gun, and fired six shots and missed the spy satellite. Vice President Cheney then stepped in with his Remington shotgun, saying "Just step back, I'll get her with my trusty Remington...", and aimed and shot several shots with the shotgun, without success. President Bush then announced "alright boys, we're gonna have to bring in the big guns." The president said he is going to have the military bring in the Navy Cruiser and shoot a missile at the spy satellite. "Not sure what we're going to do if we miss, we might just speculate if we should shoot a second shot or not...", said the president.

secret admirer goes overboard for valentine's day

2008-02-14T03:43:00.002-05:00

a local man (name withheld) has decided to go 'all out' this Valentine's Day for his big crush. He brought 20 boxes of candy, 200 red roses, a pair of ruby earrings, 10 stuffed animals, and a valentine card that read only "from your secret admirer", to Melissa's doorstep early this morning. "I didnt sign it cause I am just too shy, but I think it'll get her attention though. You dont think I went overboard do you?", said the 'secret admirer'.

local man makes tent out of soda caps

2008-02-11T22:11:00.000-05:00

Otis Hampton has saved soda bottle caps for ten years, and makes all sorts of items out of them. He started out by making small things like tissue box holders out of bottle caps, coasters, and small shelves. When Otis got bored of making small things, he graduated to larger things like making a dog house out of bottle caps, and even a doll house for his granddaughter. Now Otis has decided to make a tent in his backyard out of soda bottle caps. It is red with white trim, and is four feet tall, and five feet wide, made almost entirely of caps from Coke and Dr. Pepper bottles. "I poke a hole through the caps and have wired them all together. I've even made a support that helps hold it up from the inside out of bottle cap stacks that are glued and wired together on top of each other.", said enthusiastic Otis. When we asked Otis if he thought any of the caps were winning caps, he replied "Oh, I'm sure there's a winner in there somewhere".

Local consumer cant figure out which $5 bill to use

2008-02-09T22:22:00.000-05:00

Breaking Headlinez was live at Smith's drugstore, where Neil, a 50 year old customer was purchasing various items...only he couldnt figure out which five dollar bill was the best one to give to the clerk. His purchase was $14.98 and he gave the clerk the only ten dollar bill he had, but he had three five dollar bills in his wallet, and just couldnt figure out which one he wanted to part with. "well...........this one is a little old and broken in.........but it feels so soft and smooth, I like it too much. *long pause and sigh* hmmmm", said Neil, as he ran the dollar bill between his fingers, slowly a few times, staring at it, as if there were no one else in line behind him. "This other one I have is nice and crisp and harder feeling.......not so smooth...but it's more vivid in color. See? [Neil shows the clerk] *long sigh*....I just like the vivid green though....*long pause*", Neil said, as he held the five dollar bill up in the air, staring at the pretty, vivid green color. Customers in line behind Neil were expressing looks of impatience, as he was making this long idiotic decision. "I do have a third one....it's seen a few days......not too crisp......not too smooth, it's just right, but that's what I like about it also. It's just too right...hmmmm *another long sigh*......but it is a little folded up though.......see?........and it's curved permanently from the folds now.....it's like a permanent deformity. Know what I mean?? *long sigh* hmmmmmmm, I might give you this one.....", Neil said to the clerk, who nodded and also was getting quite impatient. "well.....I dont know.....I guess I could just give you the crisp one....hmmm......but then it's so crisp it could give someone a paper cut on their hand.....hmmm....*long pause*........Well.....ok, I think I'll uhhh.........have to give you the folded one then.....makes sense..........", announced Neil as he slowly but surely passed over the five dollar bill. We asked Neil how he felt about his final decision on which five dollar bill to part with, and he told us that it is not an easy decision to part with money at any time, and he also added that you'll never see that five dollar bill again.

Area man suggests that all business owners make things harder on employees out of spite

2008-02-08T22:34:00.000-05:00

Ted Downey has been doing his homework. Ted used to work in a factory that processed canned foods for ten years, and always noticed that every single time he found an easier, quicker way to do his job correctly, and got his routine going, that the supervisors always found a reason to tell him that he couldnt continue doing things that way. "they always nitpicked and found the stupidest damned reason to tell me that I couldnt do it the way that I found quickest and easiest, but they want everything done fast. I finally concluded that they just wanted to be a pain in the ass. It's been like that everywhere I've worked at, and I set out to find out if they do it out of spite." explained frustrated Ted. "I went around to local businesses, in my time off from my new job, and made arrangements to talk to the owners, and asked them why they do this. I just wanted to do my own research on it and find out the truth, and what I found was astonishing. Some business owners just want to make sure the job is as hard as possible for the employees because of the mere fact that they are paying them, not because it is good for business. That was the answer that I got from 90 percent of the business owners." added Ted. Ted said his next project is to find a way for business owners to get what they pay for, without making it harder on employees, and instead, find a way to concentrate on making better products, etc. "I think that would be the most intelligent thing.", added Ted.

Doorbuster sale at sewing center gone wrong

2008-02-05T16:10:00.000-05:00

Things were really bustling today at Nancy's Sewing Center as a result of their one day only doorbuster sale. All prices were 50% off, and women were almost literally busting the door down to get in, to get their fabrics, thread spools, knitting needles, buttons, bra extenders, zippers, among other things before they ran out. "People were grabbing their carts and actually running into the door with them so they could get in and make sure they got their sewing supplies before they ran out, and the door was slamming open and slamming shut, and some people were even fighting each other to get in the door. The door was opening as fast as it could shut, and after we saw a crack in the top half of the door, from all of the slamming open and shut, we decided to prop it open with a brick, to keep the bottom part of the glass from breaking. We're not sure how much it's going to cost to repair the door, yet. But we're working on it.", said Angie, the manager of Nancy's Sewing Center.

M&Ms goes for Secretary's Day

2008-02-04T22:00:00.000-05:00

For years, M&Ms has created appropriately colored M&Ms for the holidays, holidays such as christmas, valentine's day, easter, halloween, and for The Breast Cancer Society,and maybe others, well this year they've opted for Secretary's Day. The M&Ms are white, gray, and navy colored, and actually have colored graphic icons of secretarys on them. Breaking Headlinez talked to some local grocers about the new, graphic Secretary's Day M&Ms, and they are excited about carrying them in their stores. "we think they'll sell great. The world has never seen pictures on M&Ms before that I know of, and I'm sure everybody will want a bag.", said the manager of Food Den.

Britney Spears launches into outer space

2008-02-04T21:39:00.001-05:00

Today, Britney Spears decided that she'd had enough of all the news and articles printed about her personal life and has decided to go out of this world and never come back. "The launch went smoothly, there were no complications with the rocketship she took off in, so we're sure she is safe and sound. She took all of her personal belongings with her, and said she's never coming back. She said it was the only way that she'd get away from all of the damned reporters and tabloid articles. I mean, c'mon, if the woman farted the whole world has to know about it...", said an anonymous worker at the Houston Space & UFO Observation Center. "We hope she will come back one day, but I'm sure that as soon as she does the tabloids will be on her like white on rice", added the worker. Britney did not disclose her exact destination in space to anyone in this world.

State highway administration to introduce 'orange light'

2008-02-03T23:47:00.000-05:00

The state highway administration is introducing the idea of putting an "orange light" in between the green and yellow light on traffic signals. "well, anymore....as soon as people see the yellow light, which is supposed to mean slow down, they speed up. So we've proprosed an orange light, which means 'speed up and see if you can get through that damned light'. If the light is green, then it will turn orange for 10 seconds, and then it will turn yellow, meaning basically to slow down because you missed your chance to get through by now buddy, and then finally it will turn red. We think this would be a good addition to traffic lights because alot of times you can get through that damned yellow light and make it, but only if you speed up a little when it first turns yellow, but sometimes you just dont make it in time, so the yellow light is still needed. Sometimes, if a cop catches you speeding up through a yellow light, then they will give you a ticket or warning. So this solves that dilemma." said Wayne, from the State Highway Admin. We'll post more updates on this as the story progresses.

First tupperware party held in possibly 20 years

2008-02-01T22:32:00.000-05:00

Last weekend, Vicky held what seems to be the first Tupperware party held in 20 years. "No one does Tupperware anymore, it seems, and I thought it was good change. Customers sometimes want some different products to choose from, and this provided that change. I remember my mother used to hold Tupperware parties when I was a kid, and they always had good quality products, and they lasted a long time, as a matter of fact, my mother still has some of her Tupperware, and she still uses them, and they are probably antique by now.", said Vicky. "We had a great time at Vicky's Tupperware party. I purchased alot of items myself. She even used some Tupperware for the food that was offered at the party, we had pigs-n-blankets, cheese and crackers, chips and dip, punch, all using Tupperware. She even gave away Tupperware sandwich containers as door prizes. We had a good time", said Vicky's friend, Ann. Altogether, Vicky generated more than $300 in sales from her party.

Customers pet chihuahua scares walmart cashier

2008-02-01T22:21:00.000-05:00

It was fairly good day for the neighborhood Walmart, and Kay, the cashier, until Donna brought her pet chihuahua in the store. When Donna's chihuahua yelped, Kay jumped up on the counter, scared to death. "I'm so scared of dogs, I always jump when they're near me", said Kay. Well, this time Kay literally jumped, on top of the counter. Customers were staring at Kay as if she were crazy, wondering what she was doing on top of the counter. Kay told them that she wasn't coming down from the counter until that dog was out of the building. The customer service manager, Ashley, asked Donna politely if she would leave her dog outside until she was done, but Donna would not leave her dog by himself, so Ashley proposed that another employee could wait with the dog outside until she was done, to which Donna agreed. Soon after the dog was out of the building, Kay came down from the counter, and calmed herself down.

Man sneezes on neighbors, poses possible health risk

2008-02-01T22:09:00.000-05:00

Don, a local area resident, was outside talking to his neighbors, Linda and Allen, when suddenly he sneezed all over them. Linda told reporters, "It was so nasty! When he sneezed, it made a horrible sound 'AAAHHPPPTTTHHH!', and all that spit lunged itself at us. We were covered with it. Now, I'm afraid we've both caught something from his sticky goo. I mean what if I get sick now and can't hold my Mary Kay party? What if Allen can't go to work tomorrow?", said Linda. Allen reminded us of all of the germs that can be passed as a result of sneezing on a person, "He should be more careful next time, a person could catch something from that". Linda said she was going to schedule a doctors appointment tomorrow for Allen and herself, to get a complete checkup. Don apologized for the incident, and Linda and Allen both exclaimed "gesundheit!".

Husband and wife call truce during fart war

2008-02-01T21:55:00.002-05:00

Janet says that the fart war between her and her husband Ed is now over. "Well, everynight he farts while laying next to me, and it stinks to high heaven! I finally got tired of it, and decided that I was going to get him back. So one night not long ago, I decided to eat a whole can of baked beans before bed, and once the lights went out, he let one of those nasty rotten eggs again, and I let him have it! I grunted out the loudest, stinkiest fart that I've farted in a long time. It smelled like cabbage, let me tell ya. Well, to my surprise, it didnt even phase him. He just kept farting all night long, and I kept farting back. I finally I told him that he needs to go to take a crap, and he just told me to be quiet. So then I told him we needed to get seperate beds, so we did, but it didnt do any good at all. It's still like his butt is right up in my face. The stench of rotten eggs just drifts right over to my nose all night long, and farting back at him does no good what so ever. Well, I told him that I've had it, and that I am sleeping in the guest room from now on, and ever since then we've both been happier.", said Janet. Ed said that he is glad that they've resolved their differences because the smell of rotten eggs and cabbage just doesnt mix.

Man says wife wears entirely too much makeup

2008-02-01T21:44:00.001-05:00

Tom says he has nightmares because his wife wears way too much makeup. "She really piles it on, let me tell ya. She wears so much lipstick, that she actually has to scrape it off. I think she even wears lipstick on her eyelids, or at least that's what it looks like. Even to go to the grocery store, she has to wear lipstick and eyeshadow, she wont go without it, and you should see her at a wedding...whew! She wears the brightest colors, red and blue, with heavy black eyeliner, and just cakes it on, and I feel sorry for that mascara too, damn. Believe me though, when she puts on her face mask at night....be somewhere else!", said Tom. Tom says that his wife spends approximately $1,200 a month on makeup supplies. "I have nightmares about it, and when I wake up, those nightmares come true. It's like seeing a babboon staring you in the face.", added Tom. Tom isnt sure what he is going to do, but says that he can not live like this anymore.

NJ woman mysteriously never pays sales tax

2008-01-30T04:19:00.000-05:00

Deanna Davis told reporters today that she has never paid sales tax on anything. When asked if she were a part of a tax-exempt organization, she replied "no, I've just never paid it before. Not even for personal items, not sure why". State officials are investigating into the reason why Deanna has never paid sales tax..."no one knows for sure, but we'll find out, sooner or later", said one state official.

Big Thing To Hit Earth

2008-01-30T04:10:00.001-05:00

A U.S. official has determined that a "big thing" is going to hit earth. An Air Force General said "it's like a big thing that is going to hit the ground..." The U.S. official has described the 'big thing' as 13-16.5 feet across and weighs a maximum of 10,000 pounds. "We're not really sure where it is right now, we're not sure what it is, although it looks like a satellite, nor are we sure where it is going to fall at. We wont even know where it's going to hit until it's pretty much right on top of us. Basically, even with today's technology, we dont know shit. Be scared shitless.", said the anonymous U.S. official. Film at eleven.

Area Man talks to TV

2008-01-27T03:58:00.000-05:00

An area man is being kept under supervision at a mental health clinic, after being found yelling at his TV set. Lee was watching a football game yesterday, and a neighbor kept hearing disturbances from next door. Kristy, a 35 year old local resident and neighbor of Lee, went over to his house, to knock on the door to see if he was ok, and she kept hearing alot of swearing and cursing, things like "NOOO! #$&^*, stupid jerk!", among many other statements that were similar. When she walked over to peer into the window, she saw him sitting in his easy chair in his old beer-stained, white T-shirt throwing his arms up in the air, wailing at the TV and yelling at it. Fearing for his sanity, she called 911, and told them he was having a breakdown. "It was so scarey, I thought he was out of his mind!", said Kristy. Area neighbors are relieved now that he is in good hands. Lee is being held at the county mental health clinic, and is being evaluated for various disorders, medication is keeping him under control.

Internet blogger has major feed

2008-01-26T11:43:00.000-05:00

Tina, an internet blogger who blogs about cooking and her favorite recipes, has 56 RSS and Atom feed links on her blog's main page. She has 20 text RSS and Atom links, 11 small RSS and Atom button links, 13 large feed buttons, and 12 other various graphic feed links, all on the main page of her cooking blog. "I'm having a major feed! A luncheon!", said and ecstatic Tina. When we asked Tina why she has so many feed links on her blog, she replied "I just wanna make sure all the hungry people out there see it". Well, they won't miss out on that feed, we can tell ya that much. So, if you're hungry then check her out.

Woman left with only 80% of hair after pulling gray hairs out.

2008-01-26T11:02:00.000-05:00

Patricia, a 40 year old area resident, is left with only 80% of her hair after going on a 'gray hair pulling spree'. "when I noticed all of those grays at the top and back of my hair, I started pulling them all, and before I knew it, I had pulled out 20% of my hair. Now I have thin patches of hair all over my head. I look like a freak. What can I do?", said Patricia. While we could offer no suggestion to Patricia on how to grow the hair back quickly, we did suggest that she talk to her local hairstylist to see if they could offer a solution, and added that at least now all of the grays are gone. "I guess it would have been better to just dye my hair.", added Patricia.

Fashion Emergency Suspect Caught

2008-01-25T18:34:00.000-05:00

Wednesday, the Stylish county government announced a fashion emergency, urging all local residents to stay indoors to avoid health risks from being exposed to an unfashionable woman that was seen walking the streets. To read Wednesday's story click here: County government announces a fashion emergency today

Today, the unfashionable woman gave herself in to the fashion police, as urged, saying "I'm so unfashionable. I'm ready to become a stylish woman. I can't live the life of a fashion fugitive forever. Please help me!", said Susan, a once unfashionable woman. Cosmopolitan officials were happy to escort her to the nearest mall. Cosmo official, Kelly, tells us the rest of the story: "Well, the first stop was the salon, definitely. We just had to do something with that hair. We put highlights in it, layered it, and put a light wave in it. Our next goal was a manicure, then an eyebrow waxing. Those brows were pretty thick. Next, we hit the stores! We got her some bootcut jeans and other stylish pants, some modern-style shirts and blouses, and fashionable shoes in different colors to match her new outfits. Then we went back to her house and gave her some make-up tips, and after that, we went into her closet and took out all of those drab clothes and threw them into the fireplace and sat next to the fire drinking some pink champagne. It was a wonderful night indeed." Susan received an official Stylish county resident certificate for becoming a Stylish resident. "I'm so happy now. I'm a Stylish woman!", said Susan.

Man throws Rubix Cube, damage estimated at $9.99 plus tax.

2008-01-25T17:32:00.000-05:00

Local area resident Kenny, bought a Rubix Cube at Toys R Us. He had been sitting in his easy chair in his favorite beer-stained, white T-shirt, trying to solve the cube for approximately 50 minutes, when in a fit of rage, he got up and suddenly threw it against the wall, saying "Goddamnit!". The pretty blue, red, green, orange, white and yellow colored pieces were shattered all over the floor of his upstairs apartment. "You just can't solve that goddamned thing. I've had enough!", Kenny exclaimed, convincingly. The wall is not damaged from the incident, but replacing the Rubix Cube will cost $9.99 plus tax.

2008 Election rumored to have a recount

2008-01-25T14:22:00.000-05:00

Anonymous U.S. officials have said that there is a 80% chance that the 2008 presidential election will end up being delayed because of a recount. "Yeah, with all of the arguing and emotional outbursts lately, I'm betting $200 that this one is going to end up with a recount.", said one anonymous U.S. official. "We got our chalkboard all set up and we're pulling in more voters, and we're all betting on it, and 85% of us are voting 'yes, there's going to be a recount'.", said another anonymous official. These anonymous officials said that the winners of this bet will get an equal share of the money pot from this bet. "I just can't wait to hear the ole 'I demand a recount' line", said one eagerly awaiting anonymous voter.

Internet sleuth offers challenge to websurfers to gain popularity for website

2008-01-23T23:12:00.001-05:00

Internet sleuth David Marks, owner of loadedcrap.com, gains popularity to his website by loading the pages with so much crap that it is a challenge to even load his pages. "The visitors just love the challenge of it, the mystery of finding out what is going to show on the pages once it has finally loaded. I think it's going to go over huge.", said David. "Currently, it is taking at least five hours to load any page on my website with a high speed connection, I've made sure of it. I've added tons of high resolution video's and pictures, image advertisements, and other things that take a long time to load. It's really easy for me to offer this challenge to the visitors by just adding more crap. No one knows what is on my pages, even the search engine bots can't crawl it.", added enthusiastic David. When we asked David what he uses as an advertisement for his website, he replied "loadedcrap.com - See if you can load THESE pages, you know you wanna try." David says that if enough people start loading his pages successfully, then he will add more crap to his pages. Since the creation of loadedcrap.com, no one has successfully loaded his pages yet, most visitors lose patience within the first 30 minutes, but David still challenges everyone to try it out, "C'mon, I dare ya!", said David in his final comment to Breaking Headlinez.

Redneck Alert!

2008-01-23T18:39:00.000-05:00

The town of Hairville, KY has issued a State-wide Redneck alert. "there is a redneck amongst us, and he is armed and dangerous, and drives a loud, black, Ford truck. He is 6 foot tall, has light brown hair in a crewcut style, a beer belly, and is wearing a black T-shirt and Levi jeans and has a big belt buckle that says "Peterbuilt". He is known to greet people saying 'howdy' and wears his keys on his belt loop.", said local police chief Jim Truckson. Jim is urging residents to call police immediately if they see anyone fitting this description. Jim also added that the redneck's most probably location is Bob's Bar 'n Grill across from the courthouse in town on Main Street. "If I see 'em, I'm goin' straight back inside an' hide under my bed", said worried Louise, a local 45 year old resident of Hairville. "we hope we can catch this guy, we can't have vagrants like this on the loose, or there wont be a Budweiser left in town." said officer Ben Holster.

County government announces a fashion emergency today

2008-01-23T17:35:00.000-05:00

The Stylish County Government has announced that there is a 'fashion emergency' today. Three local stylish residents were rushed to the fashion emergency room today for symptoms varying from lightheadedness to vomiting. "All stylish residents are urged to please stay indoors. There is a woman dressed in a 70's style, polyester, red and green, plaid pant suit walking the fashion streets. Long termed exposure to this unfashionable woman could cause temporary blindness, shock, dizziness, fainting, and even vomiting and could lead to a very serious and more permanent condition if left untreated.", announced governer Neil Smithsonian. "I caught a glimpse of her today when I was walking to my car. Just the sight of her bright blue eyeshadow, and bright pink lipstick made me lightheaded, and my vision got blurred. I keep having flashbacks of it. It was so scary!" said anxious, local stylish resident Janice while two fashion emergency room nurses, dressed in stylish attire, fanned her with file folders. Another local named Cathy was admitted to the fashion emergency room, and said she almost went into shock when she turned around to leave the post office after picking up her mail, and almost ran into the badly dressed woman. "I've never been so terrified in my life!" said Cathy, as she burst into tears in her well-ventilated fashion emergency room filled with fans. "The worst case we've seen so far, is Ron, the stylish post office clerk. After being exposed to the woman for 3 straight minutes while she purchased stamps from him, he had to be rushed to the hospital for excessive vomiting. He is still in our care, we've managed to get the vomiting down to every half hour now, so he is almost in stable condition now, physically, but I'm afraid that he might be affected mentally. He keeps repeatedly crying out 'oh my god, it's a beehive haircut!' and stares out into the big nowhere all the time. At the very least, we're afraid he will lose his sense of style.", said Nora, the fashion emergency room head nurse.

Local fashion police have asked residents to please contact their local fashion police department if they see this unstylish woman. "We need to get this situation under control. She is urged to come down to the fashion station immediately and give herself up, we have Cosmopolitan officials standing by waiting to escort her to the nearest mall. Money is not an issue here, we'll pay for everything, we just need our stylish residents to be safe from this type of danger.", urged fashion police officer, Bill Trendyton.

18 year old female playing hard to get from senior citizen

2008-01-23T17:11:00.000-05:00

Donald, 71, and a local resident, claims that his neighbor, 18 year old Alicia, is playing hard to get from him. "She just wont let me near her and she ignores everything I say, damnit!", exclaimed Donald, "I dont know why she wouldnt want a cool, handsome stud like me all over her. I think she wants me and just doesnt want to appear 'easy' or something. It just doesnt make sense. yeah, she's gotta be playin' hard to get", added Donald. Donald says that he goes outside when she does everytime to say hello, and he also has been known to meet her at the store and where she works occasionally. "One night, I even stood at my window in my boxer shorts so she'd see me through her window. Now what young lady wouldn't be turned on? She thinks she's a smartypants by playin' hard to get, but I know...oh yes, I know how those young gals are. You wanna know how I know for sure? she told me to 'f**k off' once, and believe me, in my day when women said dirty words they were ready for some hanky panky. Now if she would just stop playin' these head games, then we could get things goin'. ", Donald told Breaking Headlinez reporters. Donald says that if she doesnt 'put out' soon, then he will contact his lawyers and sue her for not being an 'equal opportunity dater'.

Cowboy can't get Boxcar Willie song out of his head

2008-01-23T00:55:00.000-05:00

"It all started last night...", said Ted, 45 of Texas, "when I was on my way home from work, and listening to the radio in my truck. That song by Boxcar Willie called 'boxcar blues' came on, and ever since then that song has played over and over again in my head. I keep hearing that same line over and over again - ' ....I got the boxcar blues and lord, I may never get back...'. I was hoping after I woke up this morning it would be gone, but fat chance! it was back and louder than ever. Now don't get me wrong, I like that song, it's a good song, but when any song plays long enough in your head then you'd do anything to erase it. I was still hearing it this afternoon during my lunch break too, and even on the way home again. So, I made a plan after I got home tonight to play an old favorite of mine that I hadnt heard in a while by Alan Jackson called "chatahoochie" so I could drown it out, but it just wont go away, dangit!" When we asked Ted if he had any other solutions in mind to help him solve his boxcar blues crisis, he replied "I guess I'll have to play the song again to see if that somehow solves this problem?? I dont know, but if it gets any louder then I ain't gonna be able to hear myself think. I got the boxcar blues for sure"

Wife confesses: I just love to ride my husband's ass all the time!

2008-01-22T10:36:00.000-05:00

A local woman confessed today that she just loves to nag her husband. It all started when Brenda asked her husband, Dan, if he picked up milk from the store, after he replied that he had forgotten, she got upset saying "well, I can't fix dinner until I have milk. Can you please go and get some?", in which Dan replied "damnit, I just got home from work, I'm tired, and now you want me to go back out again?". Brenda then said "Dan, I have dinner on the stove! I can't just leave it here. Will you please quit being so lazy and just go, it'll only take a few minutes, it's not like you're going to die from the trip or anything?", Dan then continued to get irritated "damnit! you just love to ride my ass all the time, dont you?", Brenda then hung her head in shame and whispered "yes.." and then started sobbing. "I'm sorry Dan, it's the only thing that helps me through the day. If I couldnt nag at you, then life would be so boring." Brenda then sat down and buried her face in her hands and said "oh god, what kind of woman am I? I really need to get a life. I'm so sorry". Brenda told Breaking Headlinez that she has obsessed over this hobby for years now, and is now coming to terms with it. She is also relieved now that she has confessed her twisted ass riding hobby. Dan said that this was the first step for her in overcoming this obsession, and that they are working on finding her a new, more productive hobby. Brenda said that she hopes she will get a new life in the near future.

Cotton Pickin' asparagus just wont grow!

2008-01-22T00:47:00.000-05:00

Local area elderly residents claim "that cotton pickin' asparagus just won't friggin' grow!". Some residents reported to us that they think the ground has to be cursed. "you see that big bush out in my back yard? that's my asparagus plant gone to seed! It grew the first year, and produced alot of asparagus, but after it went to seed it just stayed that way and kept growing! it's crazy! I ain't never seen nothin' like it.", said local resident, Tom, 87. When Breaking Headlinez asked other residents in town if they experienced the same thing, they confirmed this claim. "we just dont know what to do....the tomatos grow fine, same with the roses and all, but no asparagus in this town!", said elma, 79, also a local, in-town resident. "it's a mystery to us, and we're doing everything in our power to find out what the problem is. We should be able to have our asparagus just like any other decent town." said mayor, John Powells.

Teen's parents are totally lame!

2008-01-22T00:10:00.000-05:00

Local teen, Tammy, 16, announced the devastating news that her parents are so lame. Tammy told Breaking Headlinez "Oh my god, they are just sooo totally out of it! I get so embarrassed when I'm with them. It's horrifying.", said red-faced Tammy. Tammy also added --"They still wear oxford shirts, and straight leg pants with Docksiders! That is like, sooo 80's! I can't believe I'm telling you all of this, but the public needs to be warned...they have ISSUES! Mom even got all excited one day because a friend lent her an old Conway Twisty CD, or something.....that music is so totally 70's! They need to wake up and smell the Starbucks, man!" Tammy's 12 year old brother agreed "yeah, they're way uncool. I mean it's like...dad just thinks that going antiquing is the coolest thing on earth, god!". Tammy's best friend Amy also agreed saying that Tammy's parents hired a clown for her 15th birthday party..."I mean, c'mon...if she were turning 7 or 8 years old then that would be fine, but 15?? geez." Tammy has made a decision to talk her parents into therapy. "I just can't live like this anymore!!" said sobbing Tammy. Tammy's parents were not available for comment.

Louisiana woman mistaken for swamp thing

2008-01-21T20:18:00.000-05:00

A resident from a small town in Louisiana was mistaken by town residents as 'the swamp thing' today. Jean, a local 55 year-old woman took her dog out for a walk through a path in the woods, when suddenly her dog named 'killroy' heard the sound of a raccoon and leaped out to get it, ripping the leash out of Jean's hand. Jean ran after her dog, but slipped and fell in a big pit of muddy ground, which covered her whole body by the time she managed to get herself up, then she continued to run after her dog through the forest, and then further tripped over a tree root at the edge of the forest and fell into the tall grass, when she managed to get herself up, she was covered in mud and grass from head to toe. Jean tells us the rest of the story: "After those incidents, I was quite tired and my bad leg was sore, so I limped my way onto the nearest road, which happened to be near town but still out in the middle of nowhere. Then I wandered about a quarter of a mile until I came to Bill's filling station. I thought I'd use the restroom to clean myself up a little. As I was walking towards the station, a woman pumping gas screamed saying 'it's a swamp thing!! it's a swamp thing!!' and jumped into her car and locked the door. I kept on heading into the station, since I had already scared the pants off of her, and once I got there, Bill froze, his eyes got really big, and he grabbed his gun, which scared the dickens outta me, so I screeched, and turned and limped my way outta there as fast as I could, screaming. The whole time, Bill ran after me, shooting at me, and everyone who was within 50 feet heard it and was either hiding or standing frozen watching. Bill yelled out "git outta here, swamp thing!!" as he continued to shoot. I screamed again, then the police came rolling in, and a cop got out and yelled "stop right there!"pointing his gun at me, and I yelled out "stopppp! stop! it's me, Jean!!" then both Bill and the cop dropped their guns in disbelief, and Bill said "what the-....Jean? what in the sam hill happened??", so I told them the whole story. They couldnt believe they actually thought I was a swamp thing." "she sounded just like a monster, the way she wailed--'RAHHHHGG...AHHHGG...", said Bill, laughing. "Now, we just call her 'swamp lady'", said her friend leanne, laughingly, who witnessed the incident from across the street. "we're all relieved now that we know it was just Jean, and not a swamp thing", said Bill.

Area adolescents are bored

2008-01-20T18:01:00.000-05:00

Local adolescents have announced that they are bored. Sitting in his parents living room with his friends, Tim, shrugging, told Breaking Headlinez "We're bored! There's nothing to do...". Tim's friend added "I was sooo bored, that I actually went through my parents music collection!! Can you believe that??" and another friend turned to him and replied "WOW! You musta been mega-bored!". Another friend agreed, as he bounced his head back and forth on the back of the soft sofa. The county parks and recreation are looking for ideas from citizens on how to create events for adolescents, and to keep them from being bored. "We are hoping that if we create events and things that they enjoy doing, then we can keep them out of trouble, because boredom amongst adolescents and teenagers influences them to get involved in other negative activities.", said one associate at the county parks and recreation dept.

man absolutely busts his buns getting back to his car during cold weather

2008-01-20T16:15:00.000-05:00

Today has been the coldest day of the year so far, and Tom, a local resident was seen absolutely busting his butt walking to get back into his car from the convenience store in the cold weather today. "it's cold enough to freeze the tits off of a witch in a brass brassiere today!" said Tom of the freezing wind. "I'm ready to get back inside and watch Discovery Channel, and keep warm. Damn, I'm wore out from all that power-walking!". We definitely agreed with Tom on that, with today's high of 19 degrees.

County-wide Emergency Announced!

2008-01-20T15:53:00.000-05:00

The Tallton county government announced a county-wide emergency today after hearing of an announcement over the local grocery store intercom: "40 minute order! deli!". This deli order threw the whole county into an emergency panic. "we got an order of two party platters in the deli today, due in 40 minutes!", said Frank, the owner of Supermart. Residents came from all over the county today to volunteer with the deli order. The local radio station was there, broadcasting during the emergency, and offering door prizes to customers. Some volunteers sliced roast beef, some sliced ham, and others helped with the cheese platter. We asked Frank if he planned on doing something for the volunteers to thank them for their help, and he replied "We're giving them all $20 gift cards". When the customer who ordered the platters came to pick up the order, the order was ready and waiting for her. "I am so very thankful for everyone who helped out, I wish I could have given more time for the order, but I got caught up in bingo, and had to leave for the party right afterwards, and I'd like to invite all of the volunteers to the party, which is being held at the Dawn Hotel in room 17 at 7pm tonight", said the anonymous customer who placed the enormous order.

Exciting Recent Findings! Local hillbilly is a genius

2008-01-20T15:22:00.000-05:00

The residents in the small town of Cornville, WV were ecstatic when their local doctor diagnosed Henry Einstein as a genius. Henry's father told us: "well, one day he was sittin' at the computer, and he found our family photo in the my pictures section of the computer. our cousin, who lives in illinois, came down here for a family reunion and took pictures of us all with 'er camera, and she somehow put them on the computer, but that was five years ago, and no one has been able to find that picture since. But good ole' Henry did! He went rootin' 'round in that thing and found 'er! I always knew he was a smart one, that Henry, and I told him to go to the doc to find out if he had genius potential, and doc said yeah! We gonna be rich now! yeehaww!" "I known him since he was born, I believe I've even changed his diapers, and I always had a hunch that he was going to be a whiz kid, especially when he pointed at me and said da-da", said the local doctor. When Breaking Headlinez asked Henry what he planned on doing with his newfound genius-ness, he replied "well.....I reckon could figure out how to git that plow goin', so's we can get that field plowed up sooner for the crops this year". The residents of Cornville anticipate that Henry's intelligence will help the town in many ways.

woman accused of harrassment for showing off her shingles

2008-01-19T21:44:00.000-05:00

A tenant living in an apartment building expressed her disgust at a fellow tenant to her landlord. Tanya said that Donna, a fellow tenant was always lifting her shorts up to show the shingles on her leg off everytime they run into each other in the laundry room or elsewhere around the apt. building. "I asked her to stop showing them to me, but she keeps bringing it up, and showing her nasty shingles to me all the time. She just wont stop...", said disgusted Tanya. The landlord, who wished to remain anonymous, said that she talked to Donna about showing Tanya her shingles, and asked her to stop, and she further said that if Donna didnt stop then she would have no choice but to evict her. Tanya said that if she doesnt stop, then she will seek out a court order to keep Donna away from her. Donna gave no comment to Breaking Headlinez.

Man seeks therapy for noise addiction

2008-01-19T21:16:00.000-05:00

Tenants living in building 50 of the Easy Living Apartment Complex complained that Bob, a tenant living in an upstairs apartment, was making too much noise. "he is always making noise! I think he does it on purpose! It gets on my nerves...", said one elderly resident who lives in an apartment underneath Bob. Another resident said that Bob's wife told her that he had an addiction to making noise. "he's constantly slamming doors, and making other various noises", said hillary, a sleepy resident living next door to Bob. Hillary, yawning, added "it's hard for me to get any sleep, and it can be quite frustrating, but I know he has a problem". Bob's wife notified us that he is seeking therapy for his noise addiction. Bob told us that when it's too quiet, his palms start sweating, and he breaks out in cold sweats, and he just has to fulfill his need for noise. Bob told Breaking Headlinez that he starts therapy for his noise addiction next week, and hopes that they can help him. Bob's wife told us that if the therapy sessions do not help him, then they will look into buying a house in the country, so that his noise addiction does not affect others as much.

Local grocery store decides to experiment with buying habits

2008-01-19T21:00:00.000-05:00

In an effort to boost profits, a local grocery store has decided to stop selling items that customers frequently buy, hoping that consumers will choose more expensive items as alternatives. "we're not sure if this will go as anticipated or not, but we figure that it's worth a shot", said Frank the owner of Supermart. An associate told us that he has already seen a decline in the amount that people are spending at the checkout, but said they are still hoping for that to take a turn for the better. "it's really a pain in the ass", said Ellie, a frequent customer of Supermart, "I can't find anything anymore! But what can I do? They're pretty much the only place in town to shop for groceries". When asked if she would be willing to drive out of town to a competitor to find her desired products, she replied "I don't know, I've considered it, but with the price of gas these days, it's just not worth it even then...what's the economy coming to??", as she raised her hands in frustration. Frank reminded us that this was only a temporary experiment, and if it does not work out, then they will continue carrying customers desired products.

Hispanic men demand more hot sauce in chinese restaurant

2008-01-19T20:43:00.000-05:00

A group of Hispanic men dined at a chinese restaurant today, and demanded 'lots of hot sauce'. When the chinese waiter brought them two handfuls of hot sauce packets, the men said "more, please..", and then the waiter brought them two more handfuls of hot sauce packets. When the men were done dining, all of the hot sauce packets were used. "we really do like it hot-n-spicy! They should keep it on the table, not expect us to ask for it", exclaimed one of the men....

Cart collision at local retailer, 3 injured

2008-01-19T19:57:00.000-05:00

At a busy, local retail store (name withheld) today, 3 people were involved in a cart collision. Andrea, a housekeeper and mother of three teenagers, was in a big hurry and was anxious to finish her shopping so she could get back home in time to fix her roast beef dinner for her family, only to be delayed even longer after having the collision. Andrea sped by the women's shoe department with her loaded cart, and suddenly when she turned the corner to head toward the housewares department, she accidently ran her cart into 75 year-old Rudolph, a local resident also, causing him to stub his toe with the cart, and also causing another customer, Nancy, who was trying to squeeze her way past them between a shelf of pillows, to cut her arm on the metal cart. Andrea also caused herself to bruise her arm when her cart bounced back after hitting Rudolph's cart. "I said, 'watch where you're goin', you stupid idiot!!'", Rudolph said, when asked how he reacted to the accident. Andrea said she felt bad about causing such an issue because of her carelessness, and asked Rudolph and Nancy if they were ok. "People like that could cause everyone to go to the damned hospital..." exclaimed Nancy. All people involved were treated for their injuries at the customer service counter.

Coffee shop worker goes on break

2008-01-19T19:32:00.000-05:00

Things are bustling at the local "Sip-n-Chat" coffee shop today, and regardless, Helga, a long time Sip-n-Chat worker, has decided to go on break for the first time in ten years. "I'm goin' on break, and I'll be back in fifteen minutes!", announced Helga. There was a look of slight concern on customers faces, as she bustled off to the bathroom. "I think customers are worried that it will affect the timely service here. I'm sure alot of them are in a hurry right now, because they are probably on their way to work. She could have picked a better time to go on break.", said Rachel, the Sip-n-Chat coffee shop owner. When asked how the coffee shop would get along without Helga for fifteen minutes, Rachel replied: "I guess we'll have to do what we can. I'm not sure how this will go over, but we'll find out". Rachel also added that she is going to have to have a talk with Helga about going on break during busy times. Tony, another Sip-n-Chat worker said that he hopes that Helga won't get into too much trouble over this issue. "She's worked here a long time, and I'm sure she just wasn't thinking...maybe she just had to go to the bathroom really bad?"

Testing

2008-01-19T18:58:00.000-05:00

This is a test of the emergency blogcast system. You will hear.....nothing, actually.