local man thinks he has a hyena in backyard - calls DNR

Mark, a local resident, called the Department of Natural Resources yesterday and reported that he heard a hyena in his backyard. "After I called, I looked out the window of my backdoor, and I could still hear what sounded like a wild hyena right near the side of the house, but I couldnt see anything. Then, I stepped right outside my door a little, and saw it standing up against the fence wih it's wild frizzy brown mane sticking up over the rose bush. I was petrified, I froze right there on my backdoor steps, and all I could hear was 'AAAACCKKKHHAHAHA ACCKKKHAHAHA' over and over again. So I called the Department of Natural Resources, hoping they could catch it and take it off of my property, and when they got here, I stuck my head out the front door and pointed them to the side of the house, and said 'it's still over there'. So they went over there and came back and knocked on my door and said 'sir, it's just your wife talking to the neighbor'. I said 'are you serious?? what the hell could she be cackling that much about?', and the man said 'not sure sir..but it had something to do with you walking around scratching your butt, that's all I know."

One giant leap for womankind

Mary Willington, an area resident, knocked over several jewelry displays in the local JCpenney store during the after christmas sale. Mary was walking leisurely down the aisle with her cart full of sale items when she spotted the very last of a beautiful pair of white pearl earrings on display at the end of the aisle. After spotting the pearl earrings, she abandoned her cart and suddenly raced down the aisle like a marathon runner, and before she got to her desired display, she tripped over the boxed jewelry display table with a giant leap, catching her desired pearl earrings off of the next table during her flight, and during her landing she bumped into a series of round, rotating necklace display racks in front of her, knocking them over like dominoes. During her fall, her purse also went flying into the air, knocking over the whole luggage display that was situated near the jewelry tables. "Wow, I couldn't believe what was happening, it sounded like the whole store was coming down when I heard it", said Steve Harris, assistant store manager. Another customer who witnessed the event, said she couldnt believe Mary spotted the earrings from her original location, noting also that she must have had bionic eyes in order to spot them that far away. Nearby customers were afraid for their lives, for fear that they would get hit by the giant luggage display that came tumbling down after it was hit by her purse. Mary did pay over $800 for all damages that resulted from the accident that she caused and was not hurt in the accident.

Tips to avoid reckless christmas shoppers

We've all encountered overly eager and panicked Christmas shoppers during this time of year. You know....the ones who practically run you over with their cart trying to get to the wrapping paper display, or the ones who cut in front of you in the checkout lane. Well, don't get run over this christmas, here's a list of tips to avoid these mad christmas shoppers:

• Do your shopping early in the morning, or late at night.


• Be persistent...when you see them coming at you like a mad bull, stay right where you are. Don't let them push you out of the way. If you stand there, they have to stop.


• Beat them to the punch. If they are practically running with their cart to get the very last pair of socks on the shelf, run with your cart to beat them to it. Take a shortcut to it, if possible.


• If they cut in front of you in the checkout line, then tell them the next lane has less people in it, even if it has no cashier. This will win you your place in line back.


• If someone beats you to the last tie on the shelf, look at it and say something like 'uhh, I just saw a kid drool on that a minute ago'


• If you see them coming at you like a race horse, and you have no other choices, then run them over if you have to.

Show those insane christmas shoppers that you don't get run over this year, or any other year!

Have a happy and safe holiday!

Local resident thinks everyone in his neighborhood is infatuated with him

Local Tallton County resident, Randy Stratton, claims that everyone on his street has a crush on him. Randy says that whenever he is outside or pulls up into his drive-way, his next-door neighbors always look out their windows. "....Yeah, and you know, when I drive my dump-truck home from work some evenings, I see them lustfully peering out their windows at me. I know when I'm out there watering the lawn, the older lady across the street comes out in her nightgown, and slippers, with rollers in her hair and always waves at me. I guess that's her way of trying to be sexy, I don't know. My other neighbor must be gay or something, because he's a man, and whenever I come out of my garage with my tools to do work on the outside of the house, he's always smiling and waving at me, and sometimes even tries to say hello to me. They're not foolin' anybody, especially not me...", said Randy. Randy says he's starting to feel uncomfortable living in his neighborhood, with all of the neighbors lusting after him, and is thinking about moving to another street. "It's the only thing I can do, I guess. Pretty soon, I'll have the whole block after me", added Randy.

Breaking News: Frank G. farted around today!

Breaking Headlinez reporters did an exclusive interview with Frank Goodman, the man who just farted around today.

Reporter: Hello Frank!
Frank: Hi!
Reporter: Are you through farting around?
Frank: Well umm....yeah..for now.
Reporter: Tell us a little about how you spent your day farting around.
Frank: Well, first I got up and farted by the bedroom door, and it sounded like someone shuffling and flipping a deck of cards. Then I let out a loud, bellowing fart by the coffee maker. After eating breakfast, I went down to the bank and snuck one out in front of the teller (I dont think she even noticed, hehe). I also let a silent but deadly one out in the sporting goods section of Kmart. Then I came home and toot-tooted with every step of my "sweatin' to the oldies" exercise routine. Then I blasted a few while watching "The Price is Right" and a couple of soap operas. I ripped a couple of stinkers by the potatoes when I went grocery shopping. Then I came home and let a real juicy one by the washing machine while doing laundry. I didnt fart again until I got into bed and let out a real loud 'flapper' under the covers.
Reporter: Wow, sounds like you had a real blast today!
Frank: Yeah!
Reporter: What did you eat to make you fart so much?
Frank: Well, the night before I had a couple of bowls of bean soup. That might have done it.
Reporter: Are you going to spend tomorrow farting around too?
Frank: I might, yes.
Reporter: How often do you do this kind of farting around?
Frank: Well, whenever I need to really. I just feel one coming on, and well..."it" happens...

Local man doesn't remember his name

A local county resident does not remember his name. He claims it is because his relatives were always calling him by different names by accident, and since they still do this, he can not remember his first name. "I've been called jack, jim, james, john, jimmy, and a whole host of other names, for as long as I can remember. No one can seem to remember my name when they call me out, not even my mother or father, so I have no idea what my real first name is. I've also mislocated my birth certificate, which adds to this problem.", said the nameless, local man. "I guess one day, I'll find out, or someone will remember...", he added.

Area woman hollars across town

Area resident, Tiffany, went out with her friends to a club on saturday night. She told her brother that she would stay with her friend that night, and her brother, Tony, told her to "hollar at him" when she got back to her friends house, so that he would know she got back safely. "When my friend, Yvonne, and I got back I said 'hold on for a second, Tony told me to hollar at him when we got back' and I opened the window and hollared out 'YO TONY! I'M BACK AT YVONNE'S PLACE, TALK TO YA LATER'. I was wondering why he said to hollar at him, when he was going to be six blocks away, and when I got back, I asked him did he hear me and he said no and told me that he meant for me to call him on the phone." said Tiffany. "well....sorry if I woke anybody in the neighborhood up.", added Tiffany.